So I’ve been gone for a long time. Lots of stuff has been happening, and I didn’t quite have the opportunity to catch my mind up with it until recently. I’m still not totally caught up, and it’s a little bit too hot for me to finish the jog just yet. But the heat wave is supposed to break, so I suppose the catching up will come, too.
I’ve added another deck to my collection today — the Cosmos Tarot. To be fair, I haven’t received the deck yet, but I have ordered it and it is traveling to be with me within the next two days. I didn’t go into my investigation of it expecting to buy it, but many of the card illustrations spoke evocatively to me — and the oracle deck that comes with it is just the icing on the cake! I connected very strongly to the Black Hole image, just by looking at the small thumbnails on the website, and I’m excited to examine the real thing. I’ll post reviews of the whole box when I get it, as well as my traditional deck interview with the tarot deck. In the meantime, I plan to read up on oracle decks, since they’re not my specialty but I am about to own one.
In the meantime… I’ve had some thoughts about this blog, and its lack of connection to any individuals who know me in real life. I like that. It gives me the assurance enough of anonymity that I feel I need in order to actually put my own self out on the internet. Which is, of course, a fallacy in and of itself — I tell my girlfriend almost everything that might end up on this site, and some of my friends, as well. It’s illogical and it doesn’t make much sense, my love of anonymity, but for now it’s perhaps a way of making myself feel psychologically safer. I suppose I don’t need to change it.
Another thought: belief. I always see belief associated with the tarot, and just with life, in general. Belief in a god, a goddess, belief in the soul, belief in the powers of the elements, in spirits, in rituals, in magic. It seems to help people. It always seems so effortless for them to write these long, intricate posts about their spreads, the crystals they used, astrology, cleansing energies… whatever. Effortless and easy. And here I always sit, on the other side of my computer screen, thinking… “this sounds fake”.
Not that I accuse anyone of fakeness. I know full well people truly believe, and I don’t want to shortchange them of that. Belief is important to lots of humans, and I’m not arrogant enough to want to remove their beliefs from them just because I can’t understand them, or even conceive of a reality in which those beliefs are true. And there, the root of my confusion — belief, which comes so easily for most humans, feels so hard for me. I imagine a universe filled with subatomic particles, a bubble of empty space dotted with the dust motes of billions of galaxies. What does the bubble rest inside of? I’m not sure. The poetic part of me would perhaps like it to be the eye of some vast, cosmic entity, but that’s wishful thinking and I don’t think I truly believe it. Deep down in my heart, I believe… that the universe doesn’t care. Not really.
And I also believe that tarot cards do work. Why do they work? Well, it’s not psychic, that’s for sure. Tarot cards are an exercise in symbolic associations and that lovely tendency humans have to draw causal connections between anything that’s put in front of them. The power of extrapolation is a glorious one. I like to ascribe my decks a personality, because to anthropomorphize them is to modulate my interactions accordingly, in a way I enjoy or desire to interact with the cards. I scribble cleansing sigils or wards on post it notes and stick them in my room because it affords me a sense of psychological security, and it harms nobody. The wards are for my head, not for spirits. But this isn’t a usual point of view in the world of online tarot readers. I suppose I feel isolated. Perhaps I am just complaining, in a roundabout way. But I’ve decided, because of this recent realization, that I don’t care what I place into this blog. I don’t believe I want this to be a place just for tarot. It shall be a place for me.